Fortunately, this brief moment of clarity gave me the courage to leave this relationship, and for a few days, it felt like a heavy weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. I could finally breathe. But, my feelings of relief didn't last long. As time went on, I felt worse and worse . I couldn't think straight, couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, I had no motivation, no energy. I was anxious, depressed, frustrated, confused, and replaying all of the toxicity over and over in my mind like a broken record, constantly doubting myself and trying to put the pieces of this unsolvable puzzle together.
Like most, I didn't take the time to heal. Instead, I started dating again, thinking this would make me feel better. And it did for a while. Every potential partner represented renewed hope for future happiness.
After a few months, I met a good man and within a few years, we got married and had two beautiful children. We were both successful in our careers and everything looked good on the outside. But, on the inside, I was still struggling. I felt like an impostor in my own life. I felt inadequate and undeserving of all the good things that were happening in my life. Sadly, I projected my unhappiness and dissatisfaction onto my husband, putting the burden on him to make me happy. He did his best, but it was an unfair and impossible task. As time went on, our relationship became more and more disconnected. We continued in this downward spiral for years, and when I turned 30, I hit another breaking point. There were a several significant stressors coming at me all at once that eventually led to me having a breakdown and taking time off work to heal myself.