When she finally left, David felt empty. Everything reminded him of her. He missed her. He couldn't stop thinking about her, replaying conversations, wondering if any of it was real.
Sound familiar?
David's story is the story of thousands of men I've worked with. Men who are intelligent, successful, and emotionally aware, but who got caught in a psychological trap that nobody prepared them for.
Now, here's what I discovered that changes everything: The reason you can't just "get over" this relationship is because of two power forces âintermittent reinforcement and cognitive dissonance.
Let me explain this in a way that will make everything click.
Your brain is wired to seek patterns and predict outcomes. In a healthy relationship, you receive consistent love and affection, which feels good but doesn't create addiction.
But when someone gives you intense highs followed by devastating lowsâunpredictablyâir creates the same neurological response as gambling or drug addiction.
Think about it: A slot machine doesn't pay out every time. If it did, you'd get bored. But because you never know when the next jackpot is coming, you keep pulling that lever, hoping for the next hit.
That's exactly what happened in your relationship. She didn't abuse you constantly. She mixed in moments of incredible connection, love-bombing, and validation. Over time, that unpredictable reward system wires a trauma bondâa deep emotional and chemical dependency on the very person causing you pain.
But here's the part that most people miss: It's not just the addiction to the highs and lows keeping you stuck. Cognitive dissonanceâthe mental conflict between the sweet, vulnerable version of her and the abusive versionâcreates an internal tug-of-war. You cling to the hope that the good version is the ârealâ her, and that if you can just say and do the right things, you can get good side to stay. Â
That split in reality is agonizing, and itâs a huge reason you feel paralyzed.
This isnât just psychological. Itâs neurological. Brain scans of people in trauma bonds show the same patterns as drug addicts going through withdrawal.
That's why willpower alone isn't enough. That's why "just moving on" doesn't work. You're literally fighting a neurological addiction and a psychological split, and you need the right tools to break it.
Most peopleâincluding many therapistsâdon't even understand what you're going through.Â