Fortunately, this brief moment of clarity gave me the courage to leave this relationship, and for a few days, it felt like a heavy weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. I could finally breathe. But, my feelings of relief didn't last. As time went on, I felt worse and worse . I couldn't think straight, couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, I had no motivation, no energy. I was anxious, depressed, frustrated, confused, and replaying everything that had happened over and over in my mind like a broken record, constantly mulching things over.
I just wanted the suffering to STOP! So, like most, I didn't take the time to heal (nor did I know how to heal). Instead, I started dating again almost immediately, thinking this would make me feel better. Every potential partner represented renewed hope for future happiness.
After a few months, I met a good decent man and within a few years, we got married and had two beautiful children. We were both successful in our careers and everything looked great on the outside. But, on the inside, I was still struggling with anxiety, insecurity, self-worth, and the feeling that I was an impostor that didn't deserve any of the good things that were happening in my life. Sadly, I projected my unhappiness and dissatisfaction onto my husband, putting the burden on him to make me happy. He tried his absolute best, but it was an unfair and impossible task.
I continued spiralling down and by the time I was 30, I hit another breaking point.