Fortunately, this brief moment of clarity gave me the courage to leave this relationship, and for a few days, it felt like a heavy weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. I could finally breathe. But, my feelings of relief didn't last. As time went on, I felt worse and worse . I couldn't think straight, couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, I had no motivation, no energy. I was anxious, depressed, frustrated, confused, and replaying everything that had happened over and over in my mind like a broken record, constantly mulching things over, doubting myself and trying to put the pieces of this unsolvable puzzle together somehow.
I just wanted the suffering to STOP! So, like most other people, I didn't take the time to heal (nor did I know how to heal myself). Instead, I started dating again immediately, thinking this would make me feel better. And it did for a while. Every potential partner represented renewed hope for future happiness.
After a few months, I met a good decent man and within a few years, we got married and had two beautiful children. We were both successful in our careers and everything looked good on the outside. But, on the inside, I was still struggling with anxiety, insecurity, self-worth, and the feeling that I was an impostor that didn't deserve any of the good things that were happening in my life. Sadly, I projected my unhappiness and dissatisfaction onto my husband (now ex husband), putting the burden on him to make me happy. He tried his best, but it was an unfair and impossible task.
I continued in this downward spiral, and by the time I was 30, I hit another breaking point. There were a lot of stressors hitting me all at once, but beyond this I'd realized that I had created my whole life around my fears and insecurities. And I just knew that I couldn't go on living like this.